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User blog:Kungfuguy27/Professor Oak vs Charles Darwin - Lyrically Adequate Rap Battles of Nothing in Particular
Pre-battle shit Ohai Blub blub series premiere blub blub. Indeed. Hype. Hype-itty hype hype. Today we catch ‘em all! And by ‘em all, I mean a new rap battle. We’ve only got one rap battle. That’s like, nearly the exact opposite of ‘em all. This is when we set out on our journey to catch’em all tho. Fine, fine, my friend, we will now introduce our starters. Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and Charmander? No, you brain-dead silly head! Our starter rappers. Oh. I’d rather have a Squirtle tbh. Maybe I can get one from PROFESSOR OAK, a title rapper in this battle! Or Charmander’s religious faith may be questioned by the fellow rapper, CHARLES DARWIN. Is Charmander religious? We will ask him after the battle. Goodbye, blubs, Brandon Service says enjoy… OR ELSE! Dammit Bran. The Battle LYRICALLY ADEQUATE RAP BATTLES OF NOTHING IN PARTICULAR! PROFESSOR OAK… {The good Professor Oak stands with a smile, in his pristine, clean laboratory. With his hands placed firmly behind his back, he stands in front of a table, containing a trio of Pokeballs. At the various other tables, other professors muck about, performing miscellaneous tasks. Even further are a couple of bookcases, filled to the brim with hundreds of books detailing every solitary element of the world he lives in, several of these tomes authored by the man himself.} VERSUS… CHARLES DARWIN! {Looking off into the distance, and into the opponent’s scene, Charles Darwin sits on the beach of an island shore, against the backdrop of a luscious green bushel of trees. The occasional finch flutters past him, and unknown animals ruffle leaves in the bushes behind. Before standing up, he plunges his hand into the pale yellow sand, and digs out a microphone, of which he stands confidently in hand, preparing to start} BEGIN! Darwin: This ain’t a game, boy. Professor Sapling, it’s a shame, You know what all those monsters are called but not your grandson’s name Old timer, your Alzheimer’s gets worse by the day Just like the generations in those repetitive-ass games. You’re the OG Poké-Professor, thus the root of the problem! I'm a verbal Stunfisk-- 'cause I shock 'em and rock 'em! It’s natural selection: Your franchise will die in a blink... You’re the worst Nintendo has to offer-- no Mario, and missing Link! You don’t have nearly enough badges to handle these disses! Today I’ve studied both finches and Pokémon bitches. Oak: How much Oak wood would Oak have to chuck at Chuck Before Chuck finally gets the hint and shuts the fuck up? A Bidoof could easily beat this limey little doofus You don’t have Poké-balls, you’ve got a Poké-Mons Pubis! My Charmander will burn you, Bulbasaur cuts you… And I won’t need Squirtle, but I’ll make your wife wet, too! Ooh! I mean, yes, I do respect what you’ve done for science, But without your cronies, you’re a Plusle, with Minun minused. Darwin: You call using a rock to evolve science? Really!? Let's just forget about me and all use Lamarck's Theory! No! It doesn't work like that! That's dumbed-down and unnaturally, see Evolution takes time, it can't just happen casually! uniquely-beaked finch lands atop of Darwin’s mic. Of course, you wouldn’t know, you outsource all your studies! Sending kids to risk death while you and their mums make buddy buddy! See, I’m a decent man, you demonstrate the Descent of it, Send your descendants to tell CPS what your incentive is! Oak: I let children die? That brings Annie to mind! Your daughter, she sure was one of a kind! I bet you miss her! Shame that she ended up… fainted. Sure, your work was important! But your personal life was tainted. Your marriage exhibits some proof of your theory. Fuck your first cousin and out of ten kids, you’ll lose three! {From behind Charles, a young man eyes the competing rappers. He sprints down the beach, and, after ripping the mic from Darwin’s hands, shoves him down on to the sand. It’s Oak’s ward, Ash Ketchum!} 'Ash: ' Yo, all of a sudden… a real rapper appears! What up, fucker? Oak! (Wha?) No need to fear. (Uh!) Don't try to contend with Nintendo, I'll send yo' Withered wrinkles blasting off again, bro, back to the Galapagos Ash is spitting hotter than volcanos with the lava flows Fire type rhymes, I’ve caught a lotta those! Don’t believe in God? I keep thirty of ‘em in my car! The very best at catching Hoe-Ohs, with flowing I set the bar! (UH!) Professor! (Yes, Ash?) Leave it to me and Pikachu, come on! I’ll beat this ancient bitch so hard, I’ll call him Digimon! Poll Who won? You decide! Charles Darwin Oak and Ash Who's next? Leave a comment! Hint for the next battle Category:Blog posts